Empty

Hello Everyone:

I just came back from the first round of Yom Kippur services and truthfully, I felt nothing. I sat there with the prayer book open, occasionally following along, and just did not feel anything. I simply cannot feel any of sense of spiritual uplift or trepidation over the fact that the Man in White is sitting in judgement. I mean the prayers are all about asking HIM to forgive our shortcomings, grant us long life, good health, good fortunes and nothing. I was thinking he whole time, "what's the point."  We supposed to sit there and open our hearts and souls; yet mine are empty. I don't know how else I can explain this. They've been empty for so long that I don't know if there's a way to fill them with goodness, kindness, love, and compassion. The Brit BF told me once that I was a compassionate person but I didn't think so (I just accepted the compliment). I wouldn't what any of that looked like if they posted a video. I don't bother filling my heart and soul with useless clutter, they're just empty. The emptiness has existed for decades (yes, that long) because the circumstances in my life have sometimes been to difficult. When I open myself to someone, I get trampled. I figure HE is like that as well. I open my heart and soul to the Man in White and get trampled on. So why bother?  Why bother, indeed. The way I see it, all the religious exhortations are useless because no one is listening to me. Mom keeps telling me that HE is paying attention and will show me favor but when?  I'm forever in a state of misery, without love, feeling alone and angry, have nowhere to turn to, and don't what to do anymore. When do I get my miracles and salvation?  When will I be happy?  Great, now I'm weeping like a child. This sucks.