Hello Everyone:
I'm feeling less dark today because the Brit BF wasn't singing my praises. That's sounds weird doesn't it? I think the reason for my discomfort around praise is that it makes feel very self conscious. I don't like being in the spotlight for any reason. I prefer to stay in the shadows, left alone to my own devices. Attention, for any reason, makes feel anxious; hence the dark mood. It's just one of those things about me. I cover it up with modesty. That's a little more endearing then getting hysterical and screaming at someone that "I'm not who you think I am. I'm really this evil person. A giant failure." So forth and so on. You get the point. Where does all this extreme self-consciousness come from? From all the negative attention, the only attention, I got as a child. It was usually for things like my appearance or some perceived bad behavior. I never got any acknowledgement for something good. I just learned it was better to hide in the shadows, not stand out in any way, shape, or form. Let others thump their chests or behave inappropriately, I'll just stay in my corner. Even when it is about me, good or bad, I hate it. I just deflect any effort to congratulate me for a job well done. I don't know how anyone can handle the spotlight. I wonder if I'm the only who squirms whenever someone looks their direction? It can be an isolating experience, hiding from the limelight but I really don't want anyone to think I'm this good person because that way, I don't disappoint them. I don't want to have to live up to this image someone created about me. I just want to be myself and I can't do that if someone thinks I'm this beautiful and smart person. Too much pressure to perform. So when the Beit BF or anyone else starts lavishing praise on me, I start to get anxious and turn moody. One day I'll get over it.
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