Is Joy Possible?

Hello Everyone:

Another hot and humid day. This time I passed it doing housework. Oh joy. Mom was getting on my nerves today for just being mom. No real reason. The random call to complain about her skin itching, asking me if I used a more fragrant brand of laundry detergent. You know. the usual nonsense.  The only on joy today was the usual flirty message exchange in the Brit BF. That always puts a smile on my face.  I need to have him in my life, if anything, just so I can smile and laugh more. I don't do that enough. It's not that I lack a sense of humor, it's just I have little reason to smile. I listen to music that makes me happy or I read something funny, other than that, it can be pretty bleak.  It's sometimes hard to find any joy when it seems that it doesn't exist. When I do find something that brings me joy, it seems so ephemeral.  My things are just things, they don't give me joy in the deep lasting sense. That's something I genuinely want-a deep lasting feeling of joy. The kind that you get from being with the one you love, surrounded by people whose company you want. I wish I had just a little of that but it feels like it's not my date. Instead, it feels like my fate is to be sad all the time.  I can't really share that with anyone because they'll think something is wrong with me. Yes, something is wrong, I have a giant empty hole where things like love and joy are supposed to go. I want to be happy, I want to love and be loved but I don't even know of that's possible anymore. I don't know if a genuine, deep, lasting, meaningful joy is possible for me. I hate being sad all the time and just grabbing snatches of happy but this my life now. Will it change for the better?  I don't know.