Hello Everyone:
I found myself feeling like a phony today. Once again the Brit BF was being very complementary and I just felt like I did not deserve any of it. I simply responded with a "you're much too kind." Simple, yet modest response. Better than what I wanted to, "you're full of s__t. If you only knew the real me you wouldn't be so in love with me." I don't perceive myself as this lovely, smart, wonderful human being who is deserving of anything good in this world. All I deserve is just whatever I can scrape together. Why should I dream or have any ambition? I told all this to mom and she said it was just an excuse not to try. She could be right but experience has told me otherwise. I sometimes think people can see the real me, not the pretty smart version but the hideous stupid version. The version that been kicked so many times that I just have no more fight left. Now I just want to do whatever I can to just get by. Nothing matters. I don't how the Brit BF can think I'm worth anything. Why does he even bother at all. I'm not a nice person. If anything, just this sad apathetic person, completely unlovable. It's still so hard for me to believe that I can love and be loved. I just don't know how to do any of that. I just feel like whatever ability I possess to love and be loved left me a very long time ago. I thought I was in love once or twice but no. I thought I could have a happy life-the family and job-no on that one too. Now I just find little things to hang on to that give me some measure of joy. This feeling of inauthenticity is eating at me. I wish the Brit BF could see what a loser I am. Maybe I am showing him my true self and everything I just said is a load of crap. Now I feel confused.
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