What does a relationship look like

Hi All:

It's a slow and dismal Wednesday afternoon here in Los Angeles and I wanted to dash off a few lines just to check in.  I'm feeling a bit sleepy today and the coffee seems to be helping.  Things are moving right now a even pace.  My on/off bf recently lost his father and is spending time with his mother and brothers.  I'm finding that I actually miss him and think about all the time, sometimes not in a pure way.  This is odd because we're not really a steady couple and I don't have any idea where this relationship is going.  He does things that drive me up a tree yet he can make laugh and he understands me.  Is this what real love looks like?  I'm confused  Sometimes I think it's just about the sex.  We've had sex and he's good at it.  He knows how to hit all the right spots.  Other times it's about the emotional intimacy.  We share everything about ourselves, no holding back.  Maybe I don't know what I want.  The last "real" relationship that I had wasn't much of anything.  I put real in quotes because a relationship is about two people, not one person getting his needs fulfilled at the expense of another.  I want a REAL relationship but truthfully I have no idea what that looks like on daily basis anymore.  Is marriage and family or some other version of it.  Is a committed relationship just about getting married or can one be in a committed relationship without a ring and a piece of paper?  The only thing I know is it requires both people to be committed to it.  I admitted to him in an email today that I would love for the both of us to live together and that I loved him.  I think he wants the same and has the same feelings but there seems to be something holding him.  Is it fear, self-doubt, something entirely different?  What's holding me back?  Fear, self-doubt, total confusion.  Maybe this is why I come to you on a regular basis to confess my feelings.  It's my hope that by using this space as a confessional booth, I can exorcise whatever is plaguing me.  Right now, what's plaguing, aside from lack of sleep, is this jumble of emotions about this relationship.  I honestly don't know what to think or do.  The only thing I know is that I miss and love him.