Don't Want To Be Alone Anymore

Hello Everyone: I'm much calmer today. I don't feel so panicked about anything, including the prospect of taking a mock college entrance exam. I followed up with a couple of places I sent resumes to and applied to a museum looking for administrative support. Yesterday I applied for a remote customer service position. Something has to stick eventually, right? In the meantime I'm entertaining fantasies of the Brit BF signing some deal that would get him to stay here. He's got a couple of meetings tentatively scheduled while he's in town. Hopefully they'll be frutiful. In my fantasies, he signs a lucretive enough deal that would allow us to live comfortably and securely. It could happen but I'm not counting on it. I have to be realistic but hey, things can turn on dime. That's my real dream, I know an oxymoron, to live comfortably and securely. What would that look like? I'll know it when I experience it. Let's just say it doesn't involve anxiety attacks. Another thing I don't feel anxious about is Sis and BIL's reaction to the Brit BF. You know at some point in your life you have to stop living according to what other people think and just live your life. I choose to live my life with the person I love. Sis and BIL have their lives and I get to have mine. Truth is feel very grateful that I have people in my life who are supportive of me and the Brit BF is one of them. Another person is this woman who's been dropping by every week since mum passed away. She's a friend of mum's and has become someone I can talk to about anything. Even though at times I wish she wouldn't come by, I do appreciate it because it keeps me from being too lonely. The loneliness is the hard part of living by myself. It's funny I used to think how great it would be to live alone and it is. Sometimes I get really lonely and that's when the anxiety sets in. Yet, knowing that someone will come by to relief it, even for a few minutes, makes the loneliness less unbearable. I think this why I want the Brit BF to hurry up and sign some kind of production deal that will get him to stay here and marry him. I simply don't want to be alone anymore.