A Response

Hello Everyone:

I think I have a response to the Brit BF's decision to take a pause in the relationship. I am hurt and angry. Short and sweet. No whiny, needy arguments to get him to reconsider. I'm mostly angry at myself for deluding myself into thinking that everything was hearts and roses but clearly I was wrong. I'm angry at myself for not being a better person to him. For not following his career advice. Truth is, I appreciate all of his support and everything he says makes sense but I don't need him to be my career advisor. I need him to be my friend and lover; maybe my husband. I don't know why he's gotten it into his head that I'm hitching my star to him. I'm not that naive, nor do I think we can live on love. This is why I hurt. I feel like he's reduced me to the size of my paycheck.  That touched on some raw nerves. That's what the abusive ex did. I wasn't a person, I was just a paycheck.  Not a person to be acknowledged, just a dollar sign. Needless to say that it completely devoured my self-esteem. The thing is, he gave me the gift of a functional relationship. I can never replace that. I don't want to be reduced to a dollar/pound sign. I have my issues to work out and I don't need anyone, friend or lover, to constantly remind me of my flaws. The other thing is since I finished school. I've rudderless. Well, not totally rudderless. I have my blog. It's something I enjoy and the idea of turning it into a money making venture, like the Brit BF suggests, seems strange. It's like it would take away the enjoyment of it. Still, I would like to do something more with it but it has to be on my terms. Maybe the BF's bestie can help. I'm still hurt and angry at him.