Play Pretend

Hello Everyone:

Finally a day of of uninterrupted blogging, even though I was in the PLB Theater again. The only real downside was I couldn't listen to any music on my phone. Nevertheless, it was quiet enough so all was good. I'm off my fantasy wedding thing for now. I look at it as playing pretend, not as anything serious. I mean why should I take any future talk from the Brit BF?  He could end up breaking up with me for some reason or another. Of course, things could work out but I've learned not to get optimistic. As I've said before, I really have no room in my life for optimism. I hate getting my hopes up, only to see them crushed into dust. So, now, I just play along with the Brit BF, figuring that it's just childish nonsense.  It all sounds like some self-fulfilling prophecy, "I'll never have my happily ever after."  This seems to govern my actions. I don't try as hard asI should to make life better for myself. My reason is "why bother?  It'll just come crashing down on me."  I know I sound terrible but I need to be honest. The Brit BF applied for seed money for his comic strip and I hope he gets it. However, I think that once it gets going, he'll forget about me. Move on to someone better.  I could be wrong but I'd rather be pessimistic then have my hopes crushed and my heart shattered, again. I want my happily ever after but I don't think I even know how to find it or what it looks like. I wish I could be more of an optimist and really see a brighter future but it's hard. Sometimes I wish I had a fairy godmother but that's for bedtime stories, not real life.