I'm feeling annoyed this morning and no, mom is not the source of my vexation this time. The source of my irritation is a thick envelope I received from the California Department of Health Services regarding health insurance. Why is this so annoying? It's annoying because I really don't want it. Yes, I do need health insurance, no I can't afford it on my own but I don't like being made to feel like a charity case. Besides, the only time I ever see a doctor is when I need to, otherwise no. I suppose that's a good thing but this charity health insurance is not the way for me. I feel like I haven't really earned it and there. Are people worse off than me who need it more. Guilt, I guess. I tried to give mom the envelope but she doesn't need it, she has health insurance. I could give it a look at some point and see what it's all about. There might be something good or just, more likely, more paperwork to fill out. What I wish I could do is just tell all entire Department if Health Service to kiss my juicy behind with all their nonsense. I'm hoping I can secure employment soon so I can get the benefits on my own not depend on some government bureaucracy. I'm not trying to game the system, I just want to feel like I'm contributing to. That envelope is just another reminder of what a mess my life is. I need to think about this a little more. I know, what's there to think about? I think, at some level, I'm denial over what a mess my life is. I keep looking for good things to hang on to but they either don't exist or are fleeting. The messiness just keeps intruding all the time, demanding my attention. That's life I guess, messy and complicated. There's no use living in a state of denial.
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