Yesterday I was up to my usual make-the-guy-like-me routine again. BF#2 and I were exchanging playful messages when I overreacted to one of them and replied in a potty mouthed manner. I regretted it and quickly apologized. In essence Intold him that I didn't to disappoint him and make him think I was just some floozy. I want to be worthy of all of his praise. I want him to really love me not just have a good time with me. Fortunately he was very understanding about the whole thing. I really have to give credit for putting up with me. I'm no the easiest person to get along with and how I've been able to form and keep any of the relationships I have is a mystery. It sounds like I'm being hard on myself and I probably am but I guess it's just who I am. It's not that I set out to be difficult, it's more of a defensive posture. I don't like to appear weak and vulnerable to anyone so I put up all these barriers around myself; form ice around my heart as a way to keep from getting hurt. In the process, I managed to shut out the people that populate my life. I don't want to do this with BF#2. He's the first guy in my life who actually is deeply in love with me. Maybe that's what scares me so much and makes me want to run away. Then I feel guilty because I don't want to run from him. I really want this relationship to work out. He could be my Prince Charming come sweep me off my feet. I want to run to him. I need to stop pushing people away. I want to be worthy of this wonderful man. I don't how to function well in a relationship like this. I'm so used to being taken for granted and neglected so that when a great guy comes along, I get freaked out. Be authentic you say? I'm afraid he wouldn't like get the real me. What if he does like the real me you ask? I have no answer for that.
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