Yesterday I found myself thinking about making love to the new guy. It seems strange to me to thinking about this step so soon given that it took me forever and day to decide with the bf. I think it might be because the new is leaving on Saturday and I don't know when he'll be back. I think it's also because there is this attraction that I can't explain and has nothing to with the difference in backgrounds. This difference is a real sticking point for mom. I think she's just letting the whole thing run its course because she knows about he's pending departure. Regardless, it's not the first time this thought has popped into my head. So far we've only made out and it was good. Last week we got very cozy during the World Cup final. Of course there are the flirty texts. Those are fun. I feel like I'm falling fast and I can't stop. I'm afraid to totally let go because I don't want to get hurt. At time I feel like I'm flapping around in the deep end of the pool with nothing to cling to. I feel like if I totally give myself over to this relationship I'll be so consumed that I'll end up losing myself. It's like this with the bf. The fear that I'll so consumed by unmitigated emotions that I won't be able to think straight, I'll wake up one day and realize it was all an illusion. I need something solid to cling to. When it comes to relationships, I often feel like a toddler, I'm still getting my bearings. I would think by now I would have learned something and gained some control over my own feelings. No, that's not the case. I don't know if I can be one of hose people who find balance in a relationship. How do I do that?
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