A Warm Friday

Hello Everyone:

It's a very warm Friday and it's only the beginnings of May.  I hope this isn't a preview of summer.  I think it's very slowly cooling off but it's still hot.  I haven't heard back from the Hammer but Inshould check in with this new jobs generator.  I like it.  At least I'm trying to do something positive and not mope all the time.  I know I've used that phrase, "doing something positive," a little too much this week.  I think I'm just trying to convince myself that there's still hope even though I feel completely the opposite.  I've had entirely too many rejection letters and would really like something more affirming.  I just get so frustrated with all the negativity.  It just eats away at my psyche.  Yes, I try not to dwell on the crap pile of life that seems to get higher but it's so hard.  I just want some tiny piece of happiness, security, and stability.  That's not such a tall order.  I want to lead a life of dignity and self-worth not live off of other people. I hate it.  I try to find something good but it just so hard.  What's worse is I feel so alone.  Mom told me once that family is only one that will help you, bollocks.  My so-called family could care less.  I just want it all to turn around for the good.  O.K. Enough whining, I do that too much also but I feel more comfortable expressing my true feelings on these pages then to another person, except the bf.  He gives me the space and the safety to do that.  One of the many things I love about him.  I hope I get into a room at the Hammer so I can dazzle them.  I'm trying not to be pessimistic, that's the usual response.  Maybe if I try approaching things from a more optimistic view, life won't seem like one giant crap pile