Relationships Are Not Hospitals

Hello Everyone:

The bf surprised me Friday night and came over.  We talked about some issues that have been bothering me the whole week.  Basically, what I told him that I understand it's difficult to reconcile intellectual and the emotional side of loss.  I also told hm that he needed to grab happiness whenever and wherever he can find and not let go.  I think he got it or at least gave it consideration. I'm not his therapist and a relationship is not a hospital, whatever problems you have, can't be fixed by a relationship.  The only think I can do is be honest with him and over my experience, strength, and hope.   I never understood why some people think that relationships are fix all's for all their problems.  You know, "once I find Mr/Ms Right, everything will be perfect."  That's total bs.  My other favorite is the Orthodox Jewish approach to relationships.  The attitude is "once you find your match, you'll be happy and have a fantastic life."  No one but you is responsible for your happiness.  Whatever issues or challenges that you bring into a relationship don't disappear.  In fact, they can be magnified.  Depending on another person to fix you is really asking for trouble.  One of the concepts of the traditional Jewish approach to relationships is that the wife is a helpmate to her husband.  This can work in two ways.  The first way is constructive, correcting certain habits, deepening religious devotion, occasionally acting as a conscious.  The other way is making it the husband's bad behavior the wife's total responsibility.  This means that if the husband has addicition or mental health problem, then somehow it becomes the the wife's responsibility to fix.  This seemed to me the big thing after I split up with my ex.  It seemed that my mom blamed me for not "changing him."  Not making him a better, more refined person.  I still have guilt over this.  She'll deny it like everything else, so I don't bother to say anything.  I clearly remember one evening, right after we split up and I was deep into the depression, my mom was haranguing me about something or another.  At one point during the tirade, she point blank said, "you didn't change him."  That hurt.  My point is I can point the bf in the right direction, offer my thoughts, but the rest is up to him.