Happy Birthday Dad

Hello Everyone:

Today would've been my late dad's seventy-ninth birthday.  I don't think of him too often, perhaps, a lot of time has passed  since his death.  I've been thinking about a little more since the bf's dad passed away.  The bf talks about his dad and their relationship often.  I don't talk about my relationship with my dad.  I think it's because I really don't know how to quantify or qualify it.  He was a good man who genuinely cared about his daughters beyond that not much.  It seems that he was kind of distant.  I don't think his family is/are big huggers.  Come to think of it, neither is my mom's family.  I'm guessing that the bf's family are more demonstrative with their affections.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and it can drive me crazy when I tell someone how I feel and they don't respond or answer "I don't have to tell you, you know how I feel."  No I don't.  I didn't study mind reading.  I think what makes me a little crazy about the bf talking all the time about his dad is that it feels like he's in the space with us.  I think the bf doesn't want to let go of the grief and the sadness because he's scared that he'll let go completely of his dad.  Not true.  I haven't totally let go of my dad.  Even twelve years after his death, I can still feel his presence in my daily life.  I like to think that my dad sent me my bf.  A few times a year, I light a memorial candle in his honor.  I stand and meditate on it for a few minutes before I back away.  I still don't like going to visit his grave.  The last time I went to visit it was in June 2012 when my aunt from New York was in town.  I sort of had to, I drove.  Maybe I just don't want to be reminded of a particularly dark time.  I suppose it would be a good idea to be reminded of that time and to reflect on where I've been and how far I've come.  I don't know.  The human heart is a great mystery.  Dealing with death and grief is just to hard.  Happy Birthday Dad, I love you.