Nocturnal Conversation

Hello Everyone: For the most, my weekend was status quo. The Brit BF is on track for a visit for, maybe, two weeks. That brought forth a sense of dread. I don't want him to see what a sad and lonely person I am. That led a forbiding sense of anxiety about my current state, which spurred some fast and furious job applications. An issue with the unemployment off isn't helping me but hopefully I'll get straightened out. I have these anxiety attacks once every so often, brought on by the slightest of things. Of course I want to see the Brit BF--his travel plans aren't firm yet--but I don't wanting him seeing how I actually live and think "how pathetic." I was sort of hoping he'd stay with his friend but the friend and his partner are expecting a baby next month. Maybe his plans won't materialize yet. I now this sounds awful considering how badly I want to see him and spend my life with him. I just don't want him to think I'm some charity case. I'd much rather go visit him. Anyway, I managed to calm down today after one of my noctural conversations with my Higher Power. It sounds kind of weird but sometimes when I fall asleep, I have these pretty lucid moments where I'm actually talking to my Higher Power. I him or her everything. Mostly I ask the Higher Power to lift all of my burdens from me. I'm so tired of the daily grind that leaves physically and emotionally drained. I just finally want some security, stability, and comfort. I want few leas things to worry about. Nothing major. I don't want to be lonely or sad anymore. That's all.