Make An Effort

 

Hello Everyone:

Yom Kippur started tonight and honestly, it really doesn’t feel like it. Through last year, the lead up to the High Holidays was chaotic but manageable. The cleaner would come, mum and I would cook.  In previous years mum would go to services and I’d sometimes come along or go just to pick her up. The past two years she couldn’t go so she’d stay at home and pray. I would just hang out in my room. This year everything feels just so pointless. It’s not that I don’t have a reason or two dozen to make amends and try to do better, it’s just my whole heart isn’t in it.  I just don’t get anything of personal or spiritual value out of it.  It just feels like I’m going through the motions. Still, I want to put some meaning into the day. I think that if I re-frame it as an opportunity to let go of some old grudges, I could derive some personal and spiritual growth. Yes, that sounds better than the traditional way.  You know I was thinking earlier, that had someone, anyone, made more of an outreach effort, things might have been different. If someone would’ve asked me to join them for weekly services and introduced me around afterwards, I would have a completely different life. Yes, I could’ve made an effort myself and I did but it felt so awkward. I mostly sat alone and left shortly the conclusion. I still wish someone would reach out to me instead of assuming I’m being “taken care of.”  On my own, I just do whatever. If I have a reason to  do something, I make the effort.