Sleep Deprived

Hello Everyone:

I'm working on less than a good night's sleep. That's my usual Sunday modus operandi and that's never a good thing. When I haven't had enough sleep, I get very cranky and I indulge in sweets just to  keep me awake. I also have the even less patience than usual and I'm harder on myself than usual. Today, for example, I was really looking forward to Skyping with the Brit BF. I thought I had enough time to eat lunch and shower before we chatted. When I was finally ready, he messaged me saying he waited as long as could but was getting ready to go home. I quickly messaged him back asking him to wait a couple more minutes (I had to just throw on some clothes). Apparently, he didn't get my message in time about possibly Skyping from his house. Still no answer. I started beating myself up for being the worst girlfriend ever. Sometimes I think I'm subconsciously trying to demolish every relationship I have, aside from family. I've pretty much given up on that one.  Boyfriends are a whole other story. I genuinely like this guy and I don't want to lose him. I want to be the kind of person he imagines me: smart and sexy. I try to bury the bad parts but they keep coming to the top. The neurotic behavior, impatience, high strung, selfishness, apathy, and so forth. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have good people in my life or be treated well. Not that I would what any of that is like. I'm used to be ignored or shoved aside, that I just expect it from everyone. I sometimes wonder why he hasn't found anyone better. He deserves it. This is probably the hardest relationship I've been in because there's no easy out for me. I can't find any serious deal breaker. Why can't I accept that this may be the one that's meant to last?  It's a hard for me and not having enough sleep doesn't help matters.