I was having one of those stomach churning stressful moments yesterday afternoon into evening thanks to the pit of despair that I've found myself. I have myself and every one/thing around me to blame. I feel so alone and abandoned. No one wants to lend a hand, make a phone call or give me a chance to work. That's all I really want, not another handout, just let me work. It's not fair that others seem to find a way to connect but I just get ignored. This is the story of my life. No one seems know or care that exist. I feel like just part of the furniture. I spend so much time floating through life, unable to attach myself anywhere. Now I'm tired of free floating and want to settle down. I don't know how much more plainer I can make my intentions. Just let me find a stable job somewhere so I can pay off my debts and gain a measure of independence. This all I ask for. Yet, the universe seems to think I'm playing around or just wants to punish me for some past transgression. Look, I've apologized to the universe a thousand and one times for my past behaviors and my relationship with my ex. I'm trying to be a better more honest and authentic person but I feel like it's all for naught. It just doesn't seem right that I get routinely skipped over, cast aside in favor other people how are louder then I. Granted, I'm not very good about talking myself up but I prefer to let my work do the talking for me. I'm proud of what I've done with my historic preservation blog and now would like to find new (paying) venues for it. I feel at such a loss. Mom keeps telling me to have faith and not give up. Thanks Mom. Unfortunately faith and optimism are non-existent in my world, right now. About the only thing I have confidence in is my writing skills and that hasn't really led to anything. Yet, it feels like that's the one thing, out of everything, I shouldn't give up on. I just want to a chance. That's all.
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