Today's been a pretty mellow day overall. No screaming or tantrums. Just mom being her usual annoying self. The bf says he's planning on coming over but I'll believe it when I see it. I still plan on seeing this week's Humphrey Bogart movie, To Have and Have Not. After canceling out on me twice, I'm not hold my breath. I swear that guy acts like my mother sometimes. He worries entirely too much. I already have a mother, I don't need another one. Humph. I did manage to get my hair cut today so at least I won't look like a shaggy dog.
It's been about a week since I gave up on my relationship with my Higher Power and I don't feel any different. I haven't been struck by lightening and the earth hasn't opened up and swallowed me. It was starting to feel like I was just going through the motions. No real feeling or connection to it, just mumbling the words. I think if you're going to talk to the Man in White you have to feel it not just stand or sit there and mumble words. It just makes me so mad that the Man in White seems to have turned his back on me. I feel like no matter how much I pound on the door, I just get ignored. The flip side of this is maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe that's true but I've never felt connected to the Higher Power I learned about in school,or at home. I never felt I had any guidance, never had any of my questions answered. Pretty typical of my upbringing, most of the time left to my own devices. I mean my parents never had the big sex and drugs talk with me. How pathetic is that? When it came to religion, it was pretty much the same. Sis, on the other hand, took to the religious thing like a duck to water. My mom just lapped up, leaving me out in the cold. So I guess it's no big surprise that I can't connect to the religion I broughr up in. I think I just need a break from it. I think I just have to find my back, on my own terms.
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