Potent feelings

Hello Everyone:

I just read a very powerful account of Duran Duran's bass player John Taylor's experience in addiction recovery.  The article is available at http://www.addictiontoday.org.  In the article, John accurately calls addiction a " spiritual malady." This is an especially important read in the wake of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death from a heroin overdose.  The article got to me.  I found myself thinking about my dealings with my dad and his alcoholism, my ex and his addiction issues, and my own experiences as well.  What comes through loud and clear is that fact that I had to subvert my feelings and my needs.  It was always about someone else's feelings and needs.  Myth needs and feelings didn't matter.  If I tried to assert myself, I was called "selfish."  Through experience, I learned that it was just better to keep quiet and stay out of sight then assert myself.  I believe this severely compromised my ability to benefit from therapy and al-anon.  The inability to share my inner most feelings verbally still haunts me. This makes it difficult for those closet to me to parse my moods.  As you may guessed, I've become quite candid on this blog.  It's through writing, that I'm learning share my intimate feelings.  It's a safe place for me.  Writing gives me an outlet to say whatever I need say in an articulate manner.  When I write, I can express the full range feelings. All the joys, sorrows, love, pain, anger, frustration.  It all comes out on paper.  I try, every now and then, to express my feelings verbally so a love one doesn't have to guess what I'm feeling.  I still find it easier to say it in writing.  The screen doesn't yell or criticise.  There's no name calling.  I can be free.  It's a release.  Ultimately, should I decide to leap into therapy again, my inability to verbally express my feelings will be topic number one.  Even before that, I have to learn to trust a therapist because I have it in my head that therapists are nothing more than professional gossips.