One Article

Hello Everyone:

I'm doing the sitting in the coffee place and blogging thing. Actually, I'm waiting for mom to finish at the doctor's office.  So here I sit.

I've been processing all the feelings that got dredged up from that article the addiction today website.  It's hard to keep all the pain and hurt I experienced all the time.  Most days, they stay buried below the surface.  However, when I read painfully honest accounts like the one in the article posted on Sunday, it's hard to let it get to me.  All the pain and the hurt comes bubbling up,threatening to manifest itself in some form or another.  To deal with the feeling, I posted a response to the article telling the world what it's like to be in a relationship with addict alcoholics.  It hurts, it hurts bad.  You end up doing and saying thing that, never in a million years, you would ever do.  You compromise your values because your torn between loving the person and trying to save yourself.  It got so bad that I couldn't even accept help when it was offered to me.  Instead I diminished myself and pushed (still do) help away.  It's isolating.  That, in short, is the life of someone in a relationship with an addict alcoholic.  Posting that comment was a release.  I don't know if I'll go back to the article and re-read it.  Why do that to myself?  I do know that at some point in my life will find a therapeutic treatment that I can feel comfortable with.  I built this defensive posture about therapists-calling them professional gossips.  Really, it's the al-anoner talking.  You see, I still suffer from such low self esteem that I don't feel worthy of therapy.  To compensate for this, I dismiss therapists as gossips, despite re-assurances to the contrary.  If I do go to a therapist, I just toy with them, feed them all sorts of lines.  It's not honest but I don't want to reveal my true feelings, it's too hard for me.  This what one article did.