True Feelings

Hello Everyone:

Finally, a sense of order has been restored to my universe.  The High Holidays are over and, except for a Chanukah and Purim, really nothing major and stress-inducing until Passover.  Even Chanukah and Purim are not as crazy making.  So for the time being all is back in balance.  The jobs search continues  with another good prospect.  Sometimes the prospects come in bunches and other times, not so much.  I like a couple of the ones on my radar.  One, which I already applied to, is with the city of West Hollywood and the other is with the Los Angeles Conservancy.  I hope I land something soon.  I feel this sense of optimism about these prospects.  Let's hope for the best.

I just emailed the bf to tell him how much I missed seeing him this week.  In my email, I confessed how I honestly feel about him. I just I didn't scare him away.  It's hard to deal with the affections I have for him because I've never felt the way I do with any other man.  Not the ex or after.  My usual sentiment is detachment almost to the point of apathy.  This works well in some situations but some how it's not working here.  My sense of detachment is more like a coat of armour I put on daily to keep from getting hurt by people and situations.  It keeps me from being emotionally vulnerable.  There are moments when I do live transparently and there time when I can be quite guarded.  The times when I'm guarded and private usually center around personal relationships.  I actually have a history of being bad about sharing my feelings with another.  This  leaves the impression that I'm being distant.  With the current beau, the emotional armour is falling away.  Suddenly, he's seeing the real me.  I'm not afraid so much about that, I'm more frightened by the feelings it brings up.  What's more, I don't if he has the same affections for me.  We have such a great sense of emotional (and physical) intimacy and maybe that's good enough.  Maybe that sense of real closeness is his way to sharing his feelings.  I'm grateful for that the fact that we are so close and comfortable with each that we can be honest with each. That frightens me too.  I'm afraid that he'll realize that I'm not who or what he has in mind and leave me.  But that's the risk.