Hello Everyone:
It's a bit of a gloomy Tuesday here in Los Angeles. In other words, typical "June gloom" weather. Life is moving ahead and I'm trying to network a bit. I have these really cool business cards so I can give them out when I meet people. I think the increase in page view traffic is bolstering my confidence, SO KEEP READING. It makes me happy to know that someone is reading what I write and hopefully relating to what I have to say. In turn, I feel better about myself and more confident about taking ownership of my work.
What is the origin of all this self-doubt? As a child, I was always being held up for comparison. Who got the better marks in school, in the academically enriched programs, involved in extracurricular, et cetera. This stuff is lethal to a child. It continued all the way through university. In the previous long-term relationship I was involved in, I person was always telling me I was useless, unattractive, sabotaging my effort to make a living or obtain an education. Over time, I internalized all these messages. I tend to be wary of any praise or attention directed my way, even when it's warranted. I prefer to hid in the shadows, behind a computer screen, tuned out to the rest of the world. About the only salvation I found was writing down my thoughts. I guess that's better than drinking and using.
In the past I've had persist self-doubts about my work. I've never felt that it was good enough or worth reading. I suppose that's symptomatic of all creative people or "Type A" personalities. Now there's a lethal combination, creative people and "Type A" personalities. This creep self-doubt has permeated into all aspects of my life including searching for suitable employment. Even if I were perfectly suited for a particular job, I've always felt that I wasn't good enough and my employer would quickly get rid of me. I've actually learned to expect rejection. How crazy is that. This self-doubt has also crept into my personal life. I never felt comfortable in relationships because I've always thought that once the person realizes who and what I am, they'll dump me. So I've never fully committed to any relationship. I tend to look at personal relationships as fleeting things. What's changed in that regard is that I have a person in my life that I can feel truly authentic around. He's already seen the good, the bad, and still loves me.
I find it interesting how I've managed to wrap my whole identity around my ability to write and research. I think without those abilities I'd be totally lost. In fact there was a time following my undergraduate career when I didn't write because I figured I had enough of that in school. Once I got started again in grad school, It took a while to shake off the rust, I didn't stop. The thesis writing process was extremely difficult physically and emotionally. The self-doubt raged in full force. Now that it's over and I'm writing for myself, I feel more confident and better about my work. What does this all mean?
It reminds me of something I read several months ago. The person who inspired all this wrote that he had to leave the bubble of his previous life, go out, write, play, perform music for himself to find out if he could do that. He said that the experience of doing things like playing to small audiences and writing his own music showed that he could do it. So when he went back to his former life, he was able to fully contribute and take ownership for it. I suppose that too is happening here. It's all a process.
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