Feel Like A Phony

Hello Everyone: The last few days have been really great. Aside from my regularly scheduled work, it was quite nice. I found myself wallowing in negative self talk on Thursday because the bus I take was running late. I still made it to work on time and resolved to make more of a point to leave early enough so I don't miss the bus. During my wait I began to think that I'm going to get fired because, among other things, I'm a total screw up. Even though I'm beginning to pick up on the routine and learning the procedures, I still feel like I'm messing up. I still don't feel totally comfortable closing the register in the evening without someone checking my math. On the positive side, I can find my way around the store, thanks to all the go backs I do and two customers complimented me. Okay, two positive things. Ugh, I dont know what I'm going to do. It still feels like I'm just feels like I'm waiting for someone to figure out that I'm unsuited for the job and ask me to leave. My co-workers are being patient with me because, as they tell me, they were in my shoes at one point in time. I appreciate their patience and support but I feel like it's hurry up, learn to work faster and more efficiently. I even find myself apologizing to people for pestering them with my questions. I think my neurosis stems from the fact that I really have no room for failure. Ever since mum died, it's all been on me. I'm responsible for feeding myself and keeping myself housed. Some days I can manage it and other days it feels like too much. I sometimes think that I really should've followed through with my idea of taking whatever money mum left me and getting away as far as I can. In retrospect, the only thing that would've accomplished was put me in a different city, facing the same issues. I try to look at my job as the universe's way of saying you need to be here, right now. I've given myself over to that statement and try to look at the job as the space I need to sort out my life. Sitting at home, dwelling on life wsn't working for me. I also have given myself over to the fact that I don't have to make this job my permenant job. Yes, there are positives to it but I cannot imagine what it could offer me in the way of a career. So I just have to keep suiting up and showing up each and every time because that's all I can do for now.