Feeling Selfish And Wanting To Be Perfect

Hello Everyone:

Sad news from yours truly, the Brit BF's mom passed away. I got the news earlier today and immediately sent him a card. He's sounds like he's holding up but I have a feeling that he's crying when no is around. That's alright, he doesn't have to be a proper Englishman all the time. I found myself selfishly thinking that once everything settles down, he'll come back to Los Angeles.  I hope he does.  It's been over a year since I've seen him in person and I miss him terribly. Would I consider going there?  If the circumstances were right. I don't know. Everything seems up in the air right now. I'm pretty certain that my mom hopes that he'll stay there for good.  She's entitled to thin what she wants to think. I have my thoughts on the subject. Right now, I really just want to comfort him in person, not through the internet.  This doesn't make any sense for me-sending virtual hugs. It's frustrating because I feel like a bad girlfriend. Again, I sound selfish talking about how I feel when I should be more concerned about his feelings. Now that I think about it, maybe I should allow myself the space to express how I feel about not being able to comfort the Brit BF. I'm glad he was there not here when she passed away. I think has been here, he would've felt even worse and I would've felt buried under the guilt pile because I kept him here. Yes, that's what I'm feeling, buried under a guilt pile.  These just some of the thoughts that are running through my achy head right now. Feelings are not facts but they sure weigh a ton. I think I may be trying to hard to be the "perfect girlfriend," if such a thing exists. I guess after the abusive ex, I just have it stuck in my brain that I have to be perfect or he'll leave me. Doing the best I can is never good enough. I so scared of disappointing him that I feel like I have subsume myself. That's too much effort also. I know no in between. In the meantime, I have to sit here, venting all my emotions on the screen. I suppose it's better than snapping someone's head off and handing it back to them.