Hello Everyone:
I had my weekly Skype call with the Brit BF and I can't believe it's almost a year since he left Los Angeles. It feels like forever. I wish I could've spent more time with him before he left. What I wouldn't give for another minute with him, in person. Given my history, it'll probably never happen. Somehow circumstances will conspire to keep us permanently apart. I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just wish everything was different. I try to have a more positive outlook on things but sometimes it's just so hard to be patient and optimistic about the whole thing. I just want to some time with him, to see for myself if this relationship is the real thing. I feel like that I'm being tested by universe in some way. Do I really want this relationship or not? Is this the right thing for me or not? I have so many questions that are being denied answers. Why is this the case? Why is it that every time I find someone I'm crazy about, it gets denied? Or it goes very bad? I feel like my destiny is to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. Then mom wonders why I stopped participating in religious ritual, why I hate the Man in White. It seems that all he wants to do is make me sad. Mom tells me that the Man in White only throws as much crap as we can handle in order for us to return to him. I stopped believing that a while ago. The reality of my life is I miss my guy a lot. I hate not being able to stand on my own two feet. I feel so small and powerless. The only thing the Man in White has made me do is hate him more every day. I can't as optimistic as the Brit BF, I wish I could. I want to be a more positive person but I really don't know how. The only way I know how to be more positive is to be able to stand on my own two feet and that's not happening soon enough.
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