I Can't Be Someone I'm Not

Hello Everyone:

Lunch was a little bit of a strain today. I tried to explain to mom how I feel about Orthodox Judaism. Essentially, I feel that it's somewhat restrictive in terms bringing a broader perspective. To me, it seems that Orthodox Judaism approach life choices is "either our or no way at all."  It seems to me that they view any non-observant Jewish person as some sort of bad influence. What's strange is that on the one hand, there is idea that all Jewish people are one. On the other hand, it seems that if you don't follow a specific path, you're not as Jewish.  I don't like this contradictory mentality. It seems that if you truly believe that all Jewish people are brothers and sisters, then a non-observant Jewish person should be more accepted in religious circles  not looked with derision. I told mom that I feel monumentally uncomfortable in synagogues because I always feel like I get dirty looks from the more observant people. I told mom that even the rituals and practices make feel awkward. Basically, I all but admitted to her that I lean Atheist, something she shuddered at. I told we can have that discussion another day. I just never identified as Jewish or observant. I mean, yes, I was born into that faith but it really never had any impact on me. I went to Jewish elementary school and Hebrew school but it always felt like I was just wasting time. I mean elementary school was school: reading, writing, and Torah studies.  Hebrew school was a total waste of time. I didn't even want to be there. At home we weren't that religious. We did some things but it always felt forced, routine. I suppose if things were different, I probably would've turned out different. I'd probably be married with a bunch of children. In truth, I don't think that would be the life I'd have chosen for myself. However, this is the life seems to be only choice for "nice Jewish girls."  Perhaps I should've tried harder to embrace religious life but it felt totally unnatural. I have to be completely honest with myself and the world. I have to be my authentic self-no artifice. I can't pretend to be something I am not. I have to be true to myself.