I'm spending a quiet weekend at home as usual. Yesterday mom and I got into over the rent increase coming in December. As usual, mom insists that make cut backs and find work. This gets so tiring because I feel like I have to make all the sacrifices and she doesn't have to do anything. Further, I'm tired of explaining that finding a job, any job, isn't that simple. Everyone wants to work and employers aren't so quick to hire. Sometimes I don't think she gets how hard it is to find any job. I apply to the jobs I feel qualified for and hope for the best. I'm really loath to apply for a retail job because I've done that and, while it's fun for a few minutes,the low pay and long hours aren't worth the effort. I'm also loath to work in a coffee place because the idea of making lattes for people I know just doesn't still well with me. Of course I'm to blame for all of mom's money woes. Yes, of course, it was my fault that dad left her with a measly pension, it's my fault that social security doesn't cover everything, and my fault that PLB management raises the rent every year. Let's not forget that it's my fault for making her live at PLB so mom can be relatively close to the grand brats and my fault that I get more rejection letters than offers for an interview. It sounds like I'm too much in my head, doesn't it. It's not like mom tries to disabuse me of the idea that I'm to blame for everything. A lot of it still feels like I'm back with ex. He was always blaming me for something or another. Why do I feel like such a convienent target for everyone? It sounds paranoid but that's how I feel. I try to stay out of everyone's way and be helpful as much as I can but I still feel like a statue in the park where all the pigeons come to dump on. I pray every night for some relief but it doesn't come. I want to move out for good and get my financial house in order finally but it seems like unattainable goals. I don't know what do.
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