Not Happy

Hello Everyone: 

Today was a lot less stressful, mainly because it's the final round of the high holler days. I cannot wait until they're officially over tomorrow evening and I can really go back to ignoring everyone. Mum was really got me angry today. She had the nerve to call me ungrateful, like she's one to talk. Once again, she was hoping for this nice holiday lunch but I simply wasn't up for it.  I just wanted to prepare my own food but didn't get a chance to do it before she got home. So I was left having to some half-hearted alternative to what I had planned. As usual, she blew it all out of proportion and accused me of not being grateful for having my basic needs met. Nothing could be further from the truth. I really have no major complaints. What really makes me sad around holidays and family functions is not having my own family to share it with or living the life I want to live. It's just easier to push family members away than to try let them get to know me. I don't feel comfortable sharing any of this with her because she doesn't understand at all and there's nothing she can do about it. It's hard for me communicate just how incredibly frustrating it is to bang on every door and not get any answers or have them slammed in my face. It's not fair that the universe plays favorites, letting someone like my abusive ex live comfortably while play hand maid to an old woman.  Where's my life?  I want to be happy but I can't have baby niece here all the time. Is happiness even a realistic goal?  Maybe just being content is more attainable. I'm not ungrateful, just unhappy